My readers, it’s time I come clean.
I have to finally apologize for a long-overdue justice.
No amount of interpretive dance, playing the ukulele, or saying “I’m sorry you feel that way,” will fix any of this.
This time, I’ve gone too far, much too far.
I have been inundated with constant emails, text messages, DMs, and carrier pigeons regarding how I’ve unfairly and unknowingly charged readers a premium subscription on my site while providing absolutely nothing in return.
It’s a mystery, as even I don’t recall how or when I started to offer a premium subscription in the first place! What a travesty, a shock, a sham!
In order to right this obvious wrong, I have prepared to offer anyone who paid upfront for a premium Sudo Science subscription the following. Let me see what I actually have lying around here first:
- 100 leprechaun molars
- 1 half-eaten sandwich (mold included)
- 1 broken Sega Dreamcast controller (joystick missing)
- 3 empty bottles of Guinness
- 2 empty cans of Steel Reserve
- 1 soggy grocery list with a Guinness stain on it
(Disclaimer: Offer only valid for individuals on plans who paid $2.5 million to me upfront. I can also drive up personally to provide relevant tax forms in person after producing more empty bottles and cans as a token of thanks.)
As anyone can see, my offer to right this wrong for those who unknowingly subscribed is incredibly fair and filled with unparalleled value. And the best part is that it’s only valid while supplies last unless I can find more more Guinness and Steel Reserve soon.
There Has To Be Another Way
Needless to say, there do exist these friendly and totally not suspicious at all websites that offer to help you at least cancel your premium subscription. I mean, just look at this screenshot of whatever website this is! Look at this succinct and totally accurate description of my site that is entirely written by humans and not an inferior AI. Yep, I’m entirely certain this “Bella K.” is a real person.
That was why I wanted to know what exactly these cancellation experts did to help my users rightfully cancel their subscriptions. I reached out to Bella, whose facial features completely changed from earlier, and asked the hard-hitting questions.
Does It Work? Let’s Find Out!
That’s when I decided to, wisely, act as a real customer for this site. That’s why I did my best to blend in by accessing this site in the same way any average reader of this site would. I’m sure all of my readers at this very instant are delighted that I have acknowledged their usual setups of using a BlackBerry Classic with Cygwin to access the broader internet. (By the way, if anybody knows how to get images to load on telnet through Cygwin on the BlackBerry Classic, be sure to leave a comment!)
As you can see how this agent jumped forward without reading my message, we can only assume it’s because she’s so tired out from canceling so many lucrative Sudo Science subscriptions all day. It must be an exhausting endeavor around the clock to answer so many of these messages in real time and be an actual human with skin, bones, and blood instead of just a mindless AI.
That’s when the site offered to find my subscription by looking up my credit card or connecting to my personal Google account. It’s astounding because even I don’t remember subscribing to premium! How does it know? It must have used some sort of cosmic sorcery combined with technology and not have been bluffing at all. Nope, this site is entirely credible!
That was why I entered in a credit card number, although I couldn’t find the one I used, so I used an expired card from 10 years ago, well before this site was started. As expected of an incredible website like this, I was unable to proceed any further because of an error, but at least they got my credit card number! I guess everything worked out after all.
You can also see user reviews for Sudo Science on this site, although they are filled out by AI, so at least they’re being honest this time about how humans aren’t actually writing them.
As for this image, I am starting to feel awfully betrayed by ChatGPT, and I’m sure, if I asked ChatGPT about this, that it would agree that I am right to call it out on that.
Grok and Copilot at least have more flattering things to say about me, although I don’t like that Grok is calling me out on how I don’t update my app very often. I’m sure it’s because Google Play’s fault somehow. But I love that Grok points out my positive reviews while Copilot actually looked into my sweat analysis service. You know, I never thought this sweat analysis business of mine would ever take off, but here I am finally getting recognition for it. I poured my blood, more sweat, and tears into this.
In conclusion, this website now has my credit card number and personal information, and I’m sure they promise to use it well. I suspect I will get less than 0 fraud alert text messages in the next several days. It’s always those messages where someone tries to spend $499+ at Walmart.com or bulk frozen feces or something like that. Or maybe they’ll just be more of those annoying amber alerts. Maybe I’ll remember to finally disable those annoying things on my phone again.
In conclusion, this cancellation support website is the reason I keep getting pesky amber alerts. Thanks a lot, Bella. 😠
Sudo Science 